You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
