Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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