Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
