Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
