She's JV to your varsity
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
