Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
