I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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