He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
