I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
