I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
