I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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