I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The Olympian is in my bed
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