just come out here and I will go home with you...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
