you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
