dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
