The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
