Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
