I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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