so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He passed out mid-signature
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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