i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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