If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
