So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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