I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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