Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
