So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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