Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
