babies were throwing up all over the place
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
