I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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