i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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