well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
