so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
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