Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
