Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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