Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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