You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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