fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
