You just made me feel so damn special
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
