She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
