eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
