My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
