I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
