hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
