I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
