no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
