Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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