She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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