When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
