i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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