I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
