My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
